Friday, 17 May 2013

Life is beautiful and so are you

Today is a day to give thanks.
To appreciate life. To be humble and genuinely give thanks for the many blessing in your life....
That includes breathing.


Opening my heart to anyone willing to listen:
One thing that I've dealt with my whole life is bullying. I've been verbally abused countless times. I am even guilty of bullying myself, as much as I hate saying it, I have torn people down before without knowing. Most of the bullying inflicting upon myself was online. Although it often occurred in the shadows of real life as well.  I was half of a social outcast late in Elementary school all the way to the 9th grade. I was often made fun of for my rather large forehead (aka what I like to call my five-head), my super pale skin (I was called glue and paper several times) and my "anorexic" looking body. Sometimes even my nose or teeth where pointed out. Anything people could find on my body as "flawed", they'd point it out. Making it a bigger issue than it had to be. Those are the most vivid memories of my childhood, I can't remember much else.

"I wasn't liked much because I was very different and odd. "

A close relative of mine also verbally abused me. Ever since I can remember, I was constantly being yelled at. Not knowing any better, I'd instantly think it was my fault or my problem; when in reality it had nothing to do with myself at all. I've thankfully grown immune to such harassment with that individual. It's as though I have a filter in my mind that blocks the negative from entering.

 I've always been told I'm not good enough, I'm not going anywhere in life, I'm not pretty enough and I'm a screw up. Once something goes wrong in my life (such as not being approved of or not working hard enough or failing a test or being made fun of) I break down. The only difference is that I now know better. I know who I am, I love myself for all that I am. If someone doesn't like me, tough. I know that I do not need to change for anybody, I am made in God's image and therefore I will find others who will love me for everything that I am.

This is why I have a hard time with guys. I have the most difficult time dating, which is why I've never been in a relationship. It's so hard for me to grow emotionally attached to a man and trust him with my whole heart. I get scared and end up running away. I am terrified of being hurt, yelled at, not being good enough or getting too attached and then left. This is all the result of my mind being abused since birth. It's the only thing I know. It has damaged me in some aspects but I now am so much better than this.

All of this hasn't changed my character much, if anything I am stronger than ever. However, I do have a hard time when people look at me in a different light. If I'm yelled at or a guy doesn't like me back because I'm too "weird", I have a hard time letting it go. I then often catch myself staring into the mirror picking out "flaws" and uncomfortable features that I was born with; all because these negative thoughts were expressed by others who were uncomfortable with themselves. They don't realize it but it grows. Their negative words hurt someone else and that someone else painfully does the same to an innocent individual. It becomes a domino effect until someone stops and says, "No. I've had enough."  I am that someone. Even though I still struggle with accepting myself completely, I am more than halfway there and that's alright. We are only human after all, we are fragile beings. I've grown to the point that I am comfortable with myself. I am content and I am fine with that.

I wrote this because it was needed. I had to pour my heart out. Want to know why? Just yesterday, someone told me I was "ugly" and that my "nose was too big." I am nearly 20 years old yet the little girl inside me came out and I began questioning everything. Questioning my whole existence and the meaning of it within 20 seconds. It's because I'm a perfectionist that I cannot let things go. However, my perception was changed in unimaginable ways this afternoon.


Then Reality kicked in:
Life is so much more than the petty things. Life is given to us because we're deserving, because we are good enough. It took me this long to snap out of it and say, "Wait a second..." With God in our hearts, we can overcome everything; insecurities, doubt, struggles, pain. Seriously, everything.

Life is a precious gift and I was reminded by that greatly today. A friend of mine, whom I've known for so many years, was in an awful car accident today. Her car was totaled and yet she walked out of it conscious, alive and well. She only needed several staples in the back of her head. In the condition that her car was in, I'm honestly in shock that matters weren't much much worse. It's a reminder that life is very vulnerable and that God is constantly watching over us. It's wonderful to get a wake up call such as this. This is when every petty struggle you have ever had, never mattered. When you realize that life is beautiful and so are you.

We all need to let go. Let go of everything and let God take control. Sometimes there are things that we shouldn't have to handle. That it's out of our control and we should trust God to take care of us in this time of need. Do not let the little things in life discourage you. Appreciate everything you have and let go of the little petty things. This includes worrying about acceptance of others, find people who love you for everything that you are. You shouldn't have to change for anyone.  Just remind yourself that every single one of us are constantly messing things up, we are imperfect beings we are meant to do things that make us seem like a hopeless failure that everyone dislikes.

The main point of this passage is that there are greater things in the world to be thankful for rather than constantly dwelling in the negative factors in life. We are alive. We have air in our lungs. Because we were created in God's image and because he loves us, that makes us beautiful. Isn't that great to know? There are greater things out there that should take up all of our attention rather than personal negative thoughts to dictate your life. Staying positive about everything, even through the dullest of days, and keeping the faith strong seriously has changed my life.


Life is beautiful and so are you.
There is so much more to life than flaws, beauty or being accepted.

You are here for a reason. You are a blessing.
Tell your friends, family and loved ones how much you appreciate them today.
And know, you're a priceless gem found deep within the Earth. Beautiful and rare.

With love,

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