Friday, 17 May 2013

Life is beautiful and so are you

Today is a day to give thanks.
To appreciate life. To be humble and genuinely give thanks for the many blessing in your life....
That includes breathing.


Opening my heart to anyone willing to listen:
One thing that I've dealt with my whole life is bullying. I've been verbally abused countless times. I am even guilty of bullying myself, as much as I hate saying it, I have torn people down before without knowing. Most of the bullying inflicting upon myself was online. Although it often occurred in the shadows of real life as well.  I was half of a social outcast late in Elementary school all the way to the 9th grade. I was often made fun of for my rather large forehead (aka what I like to call my five-head), my super pale skin (I was called glue and paper several times) and my "anorexic" looking body. Sometimes even my nose or teeth where pointed out. Anything people could find on my body as "flawed", they'd point it out. Making it a bigger issue than it had to be. Those are the most vivid memories of my childhood, I can't remember much else.

"I wasn't liked much because I was very different and odd. "

A close relative of mine also verbally abused me. Ever since I can remember, I was constantly being yelled at. Not knowing any better, I'd instantly think it was my fault or my problem; when in reality it had nothing to do with myself at all. I've thankfully grown immune to such harassment with that individual. It's as though I have a filter in my mind that blocks the negative from entering.

 I've always been told I'm not good enough, I'm not going anywhere in life, I'm not pretty enough and I'm a screw up. Once something goes wrong in my life (such as not being approved of or not working hard enough or failing a test or being made fun of) I break down. The only difference is that I now know better. I know who I am, I love myself for all that I am. If someone doesn't like me, tough. I know that I do not need to change for anybody, I am made in God's image and therefore I will find others who will love me for everything that I am.

This is why I have a hard time with guys. I have the most difficult time dating, which is why I've never been in a relationship. It's so hard for me to grow emotionally attached to a man and trust him with my whole heart. I get scared and end up running away. I am terrified of being hurt, yelled at, not being good enough or getting too attached and then left. This is all the result of my mind being abused since birth. It's the only thing I know. It has damaged me in some aspects but I now am so much better than this.

All of this hasn't changed my character much, if anything I am stronger than ever. However, I do have a hard time when people look at me in a different light. If I'm yelled at or a guy doesn't like me back because I'm too "weird", I have a hard time letting it go. I then often catch myself staring into the mirror picking out "flaws" and uncomfortable features that I was born with; all because these negative thoughts were expressed by others who were uncomfortable with themselves. They don't realize it but it grows. Their negative words hurt someone else and that someone else painfully does the same to an innocent individual. It becomes a domino effect until someone stops and says, "No. I've had enough."  I am that someone. Even though I still struggle with accepting myself completely, I am more than halfway there and that's alright. We are only human after all, we are fragile beings. I've grown to the point that I am comfortable with myself. I am content and I am fine with that.

I wrote this because it was needed. I had to pour my heart out. Want to know why? Just yesterday, someone told me I was "ugly" and that my "nose was too big." I am nearly 20 years old yet the little girl inside me came out and I began questioning everything. Questioning my whole existence and the meaning of it within 20 seconds. It's because I'm a perfectionist that I cannot let things go. However, my perception was changed in unimaginable ways this afternoon.


Then Reality kicked in:
Life is so much more than the petty things. Life is given to us because we're deserving, because we are good enough. It took me this long to snap out of it and say, "Wait a second..." With God in our hearts, we can overcome everything; insecurities, doubt, struggles, pain. Seriously, everything.

Life is a precious gift and I was reminded by that greatly today. A friend of mine, whom I've known for so many years, was in an awful car accident today. Her car was totaled and yet she walked out of it conscious, alive and well. She only needed several staples in the back of her head. In the condition that her car was in, I'm honestly in shock that matters weren't much much worse. It's a reminder that life is very vulnerable and that God is constantly watching over us. It's wonderful to get a wake up call such as this. This is when every petty struggle you have ever had, never mattered. When you realize that life is beautiful and so are you.

We all need to let go. Let go of everything and let God take control. Sometimes there are things that we shouldn't have to handle. That it's out of our control and we should trust God to take care of us in this time of need. Do not let the little things in life discourage you. Appreciate everything you have and let go of the little petty things. This includes worrying about acceptance of others, find people who love you for everything that you are. You shouldn't have to change for anyone.  Just remind yourself that every single one of us are constantly messing things up, we are imperfect beings we are meant to do things that make us seem like a hopeless failure that everyone dislikes.

The main point of this passage is that there are greater things in the world to be thankful for rather than constantly dwelling in the negative factors in life. We are alive. We have air in our lungs. Because we were created in God's image and because he loves us, that makes us beautiful. Isn't that great to know? There are greater things out there that should take up all of our attention rather than personal negative thoughts to dictate your life. Staying positive about everything, even through the dullest of days, and keeping the faith strong seriously has changed my life.


Life is beautiful and so are you.
There is so much more to life than flaws, beauty or being accepted.

You are here for a reason. You are a blessing.
Tell your friends, family and loved ones how much you appreciate them today.
And know, you're a priceless gem found deep within the Earth. Beautiful and rare.

With love,

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Rings 'n things

Personally, I'm really addicted to rings. 
(Or I like to call them finger candy.) 
I am so addicted to midi rings at the moment. They are rings that lie on the ends of your knuckles. I think they're just absolutely gorgeous. Definitely fits my free-spirit and eccentric  personality. Thankfully, I got mine for a steal as well! Around $20 for the set on etsy (the hammered chevron + hammered midi ring.) They are both sterling silver + handmade! And I'm in love. The other ring I got was a vintage sterling silver turquoise ring. Got this sucker on a vintage shop on etsy. The amethyst sterling silver ring I got at a pop-up-shop during an antique market show locally. Look around, you'll be surprised as to what you may find! 

*Note: REAL sterling silver will have a "925" stamped inside the ring, check for that so you don't get ripped off*

I don't buy fake jewelry. Never have, never will. I don't see the point. Why waste approximately $4 on an item that will rust/break/turn your finger green? Invest that $4 into something you'll get a lot of use out of it. A quote that you should definitely keep in mind whenever you purchase something is, "You pay for what you get." So if you buy a cheapo  that's what you get 99& of the time. I like bargains, bargains are the best since you get more for your money.

Oh and this dang weather is killing me. It's getting really hot out in Florida. How's the weather where you are? Enjoy this mellow tune. Until next time.

With love,

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

It's a May kinda day + Happy Mother's Day!

Hello Summer! 
Normally, it's summer all year round here in Florida 
but actual summer heat has hit and lets say I'm not too thrilled.
I took some time to reorganize my room this week. Honestly, I haven't done anything to my room since we moved in about 15+ years ago now. So this has been quite the excitement for me. It was much needed to say the least. I hung up my tapestry from India, my grandpa's old awards and got out the knit blanket to add a little fun to my room. Here are a few snaps of what has been added:



In other news, I've been doing really poorly with anxiety and depression recently. For whatever reason, my anxiety and panic attacks kicked up again and now I'm struggling to handle it. My doctor prescribed anti-depressant for me. I've been so adamant to not take medications. I really don't want the nasty side effects and have to rely on them for the rest of my life. 



Luckily, I got back on herbal meds. They're rather on the expensive side but my health is worth the investment. The lady at the whole foods store recommended l-theanine (found in green tea and is a calming effect for anxiety/stress), l-tyrosine (for depression/give you a boost of energy) and 5-htp. After our encounter she let me know she struggles as well with the same issues. "Don't give up" she told me then proceeded to embrace me. I guess only those who struggle with these issues truly understand the damaging effects of anxiety and depression, so it touched my heart that she reassured me I'm not alone.

Then on Monday, I took a little day trip to the middle of no where. Literally, it was in this old native American-esque town and I got no cell phone reception. I always go by here about every month and I've fallen in love with the historic town and homes. My favorite phone is pictured below. It's a faded coral house with cactus and other desert plants. There is some sort of outside sun decor that just makes me fall in love with this home even more.

Enjoy the photos!

 With love,

Diary date for april 2013

This month is final deadline month and its been a sensible one spent at home. (LAME). Though the long winter started to tern into spring and we had a peak of the summer for the bank holiday, just in time for my new summer bag to arrive. So its been a very peaceful but also exciting month since I got a new job at a skateboarding/climbing/caving centre and also got accepted to my first choice university at Loughborough and I accepted! I'm always taking pictures but dont usually get to upload properly. Hopefully when college is over this month I get more time to spend blogging like a proper blogger haha! Here are some snaps.

with love

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Friday, 10 May 2013

This time last year, was the first month I decided to do something about my depression. I'd let it get me back so much and I thought there was definitely no way of getting out/over this. Rigth now thinking back to it I didn't even realise how strong I was being, and no one who hasn't been there can really understand when I say that but you honestly don't know how strong you are until you have to be. 

There was and is really no reason for my depression that I can think of, its always been there since I was a very young teen and I guess a matter of different experiences I was going through just helped trigger it to the point I could not control it, or well I thought. 

I was so sad that one day, I wanted to give up. I just wanted to wake up when I want and not have to worry that I didn't wake up for college because I literally couldn't. One of the worst side effects so far which has effected me the most is my ability to sleep, and when I do its because I am so physically and mentally drained that I fall into an immediate slumber which means I don't have an easy time waking myself up as well.   This effected a huge part of my school life, and most certainly over all my college life. It made it such a struggle that in the end I decided to quit in my second year and thats where it all got really bad for me. I didn't see my friends, I was at the age where I was having to accept the changes of social activities cutting down because people my age had began to work, or study hard for uni so I was left on the side lines watching everyone move on with there life and unknowingly leave me behind. For months I was very alone, I couldn't have a boyfriend... not in my state. My friends where busy. My family where completely unaware ( still are ) and I had no job or money. I turned to blogging an art, and thats what helped me take a turn a few months later. There was quotes, pictures and real people who deal with the same problems and it helped me realise that in fact I did suffer with depression I wasn't just weird. I wanted to be an artest and I knew I had to get happy and I knew what I had to do. I wrote a list of things, in the steps that I needed to take them and I did it. I got a job, I met a lovely boy ( who didn't turn out to be the best but oh well lessons learnt, I love learning ) I made friends, I kept supper busy with work and surrounding myself with people I enjoyed and for a while I felt truely happy for once and its shorts amounts of time that we feel happy, that in all this mayhem and hard work that makes it feel worth it.

I put my hand up, and I wanted to do better. Here I am, four different jobs down the line. Making my own silver linings. Putting arguments with life long friends to rest. Making my own peace out of all the craziness going on around me. And look where I am now, I'm heading off to uni in a few months... this time last year I wasn't even planning on going back to this college to finish my course.

Its still a struggle but its a much easier one. And I appreciate it all and I can't wait for my life to start, I can't wait to live.

With love

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Sunfest 2013

Firstly, lets make this clear. I went to my first, official concert. FOR FREE. Yes, you heard me properly. Long story short, a family friend was able to get tickets and gave them to my sister and I. I got to see Ed Sheeran, Zac Brown Band, The Lone Bellow and Phillip Phillips.

Friday 5/3/13: Ed was fantastic! I got to see him on the first night I arrived to West Palm. Seriously, he is such a beautifully talented man and I just want to kiss him all because of his gift. He performed "Kiss Me", "Lego House", "Wake Me Up" and "Wayfaring Stranger" to name a few. However I was disappointed he didn't perform "Give Me Love" but nonetheless he was perfectly fantastic and I will definitely store these memories in my heart, always.

Saturday 5/4/13: The next morning, my sister woke up early to head to the local coffee shop. She left me there while she did her intensive yoga class and I just casually stole the wifi and completed some course work. Then when my sister got out of her workout she ordered a "Breakfast Smoothie" (peanut butter, bananas, milk) with a shot of expresso. Me however, being the super anxious one, opted for a nice iced spicy chai. 
Later that afternoon, my sister had a lunch date with a friend and I was able to go. We chit-chatted over lunch then headed to Old Navy for some shopping. Not being too thrilled with the clothing options that this store has to offer, I found an adorable pair of metallic cat eye sunglasses that I absolutely adore! (See picture below.) We then went to Target and ran some other errands before heading back for Sunfest round 2.


When we arrived, Zac Brown Band was performing. He was rather talented, it was just saddening how small the crowd was. After him, The Lone Bellow performed. Ironically enough, the main singer went to the local college in West Palm and also my future school. So  he was quite thrilled to be back in town. They were INCREDIBLE. I am so suprised they haven't made it big yet, but watch out... they are soon about to explode in popularity! I say if The Civil Wars, The Lumineers and Mumford & Sons all genetically had some sort of love child then that would be The Lone Bellow. Check out one of their songs "Bellow" (pun intended)


And my personal favorite of their's: 

Sunday 5/5/13: Typical Sunday. Attended church, then hang out at my sister's place while she went to a baby shower. Afterwards, we headed towards Sunfest to watch the closing ceremony aka fireworks. It was so spectacular! People even stopped their cars on the bridge just to watch!! What a great way to end the festivities. Then after that was over, we turned right back around and headed for the closest Starbucks to catch up on work and get a nice coffee. We did that for about an hour and then ended the rest of the day by passing out once we got home.


All in all, this weekend was beautiful. I am so glad I was able to be a part of it and I look forward to future concerts and adventures alike.

With love,