Friday, 10 May 2013

This time last year, was the first month I decided to do something about my depression. I'd let it get me back so much and I thought there was definitely no way of getting out/over this. Rigth now thinking back to it I didn't even realise how strong I was being, and no one who hasn't been there can really understand when I say that but you honestly don't know how strong you are until you have to be. 

There was and is really no reason for my depression that I can think of, its always been there since I was a very young teen and I guess a matter of different experiences I was going through just helped trigger it to the point I could not control it, or well I thought. 

I was so sad that one day, I wanted to give up. I just wanted to wake up when I want and not have to worry that I didn't wake up for college because I literally couldn't. One of the worst side effects so far which has effected me the most is my ability to sleep, and when I do its because I am so physically and mentally drained that I fall into an immediate slumber which means I don't have an easy time waking myself up as well.   This effected a huge part of my school life, and most certainly over all my college life. It made it such a struggle that in the end I decided to quit in my second year and thats where it all got really bad for me. I didn't see my friends, I was at the age where I was having to accept the changes of social activities cutting down because people my age had began to work, or study hard for uni so I was left on the side lines watching everyone move on with there life and unknowingly leave me behind. For months I was very alone, I couldn't have a boyfriend... not in my state. My friends where busy. My family where completely unaware ( still are ) and I had no job or money. I turned to blogging an art, and thats what helped me take a turn a few months later. There was quotes, pictures and real people who deal with the same problems and it helped me realise that in fact I did suffer with depression I wasn't just weird. I wanted to be an artest and I knew I had to get happy and I knew what I had to do. I wrote a list of things, in the steps that I needed to take them and I did it. I got a job, I met a lovely boy ( who didn't turn out to be the best but oh well lessons learnt, I love learning ) I made friends, I kept supper busy with work and surrounding myself with people I enjoyed and for a while I felt truely happy for once and its shorts amounts of time that we feel happy, that in all this mayhem and hard work that makes it feel worth it.

I put my hand up, and I wanted to do better. Here I am, four different jobs down the line. Making my own silver linings. Putting arguments with life long friends to rest. Making my own peace out of all the craziness going on around me. And look where I am now, I'm heading off to uni in a few months... this time last year I wasn't even planning on going back to this college to finish my course.

Its still a struggle but its a much easier one. And I appreciate it all and I can't wait for my life to start, I can't wait to live.

With love

1 comment:

  1. how did you get help for yourself? i'm really struggling with depression and anxiety and i don't really know where to go from here...?
    i'm so glad you wrote this, it does help so much to hear from people who go through the same things as you. Congrats on being so brave and strong and getting help for yourself - it sounds like you're doing amazingly now! :)